Disappointed Desire

I had anticipated, upon coming down from my birthday high, that this blog entry would be all butterflies and rainbows.


For my birthday, my personal new year, I journeyed alone to a beautiful little place, physically and spiritually, determined to read, write, pray, meditate and reflect. It was a peaceful, beautiful time. I enjoyed a few spa treatments and really relaxed. I walked and gazed into shop windows on High Street and sipped green tea and felt truly ... high. The fact that the name of the street that I slept in and window-shopped on was actually High St. is a synchronicity.


You see, I'd anticipated this blog entry being about how wonderful synchronicities are and how I'd spotted them, but ... I won't. I'll have to write about synchronicities another day.


Today, I'm sad. I don't wish to offend anyone with my happiness, but I shouldn't have to apologize for it. Yet, because of my disappointed desire to have someone be happy for me, as I am happy for them, I suffer.


So today I'm reminded of what Buddha teaches:

~ You only suffer if you are attached to some thing, some action/non-action, some outcome or some person.

~ Unless we control the craziness of our unceasing desire, there is no way for us to gain tranquility and peace.

Bisous

Journal Entry: June, 2004

I just got off the phone with you
argument no. 1,000,000,002
Explaining me to you.
Why I think like I think
Why I do what I do
Why I feel how I feel
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?!
Who needs love when you got money?

I cry. Why?
You don't recognize me.
Man, I get so tired of explaining
and things not changing
and having the same conversations
just rearranging
the words

My artistry stifled by some trifle of a man!
by whom I'm supposed to be lead?!
God must be shakin' His head.

The entry goes on but I will stop here. Again I say, it's interesting to me to see where my head has been through the years. To see the journey I've been on trying to find the worth in it all.

I encourage everyone to journal.
If you don't ... start.
If you do ... don't stop.

Bisous

Journal Entries ...

It's almost my birthday.
My personal New Year.
I've driven North and holed up to read, write, meditate and reflect on my past year, and to focus clear intentions on the new year, and to request blessings of the Lord and send my desires out into the Universe. Some of my readings are from my diary and journal entries over the last 20 years. Interesting to see where my head's been ...

Here's one entry dated January 23, 2000:

I'm a churchoholic. I need a twelve step recovery program to help me with my self-destructive urges to come to this church. If there was such a vehicle for corrective -behavior-modification for those who repeatedly get abused at their chosen place of worship yet and still continue to frequent that same said place ... I would immediately plop down my $525 for, I imagine, 12 sessions - figuring as how there would probably be 12 steps; unless they cover more than one step per session, which, for those of us who don't catch on too swiftly that would be defeatist; which is the whole point of coming to the program to begin with, remember?

I DON'T CATCH ON QUICK ENOUGH TO STOP DEFEATIST BEHAVIORS!! HELLLLLO?


Wow.

Bisous

Power Filled Words

My friend D. Lerner gave me this prayer years ago. I say it when I find that I need to put things back into a right perspective ... remind myself that I am in control of everything ... not the other way around. I don't mean 'in control' in an egoistic way, but in a way that empowers me to make and remake choices each day. I'm grateful for all of my women friends. You all add value to my life in immeasurable ways. Thank you!

A Prayer for Pure Spirit

I know that I am pure spirit. I always have been and I always will be. There is, inside me, a place of confidence, quietness and security where all things are known and understood. This is the universal mind, God, of which I am a part, and which responds to me if I ask of it. This universal mind knows the answers to all of my problems, and even now the answers are speeding their way to me. I needn't struggle for them. I needn't worry or strive for them. When the time comes the answer will be there. I give all of my problems to the Great Mind of God. I let go with the confidence that the correct answers will return to me when they are needed.

Through the great law of attraction, everything in life that I need for my work and fulfillment will come to me. It isn't necessary to strain about this, only believe. For in the strength of my belief, my faith will make it so. I see the hand of divine intelligence all around me, in the flower, in the tree, in the ocean, in the sky. I know that the same intelligence that created all these things is in me and around me, and I can call upon it for my slightest need. I know that my body is a manifestation of pure spirit. That spirit is perfect, therefore, my body is perfect also.

I enjoy life. Each day brings a constant demonstration of the power and the wonder of the universe and myself. I am confident, I am serene, I am sure.

No matter what obstacle or undesirable circumstance crosses my path, I refuse to accept it, for it is nothing but illusion. There can be no obstacle or undesirable circumstance to the mind of God, which is in me, around me and serves me now.

I hope you feel as blessed by it as I do!

Bisous!

Video Game Villain

Life is like a video game, I imagine. I mean, it has different levels of complexity and different challenges to face and different levels of maturity, I guess.

Lately, I've been contemplating the concept of being "grown-up". When I look at pictures of all of my friends and their adult children, and some of them with their own children, I feel like I should be more mature, maybe.

I often muse, if there are different levels of adult maturity - what are they? And if life is like a video game - what level am I on?

I found out something interesting today. Well, I didn't "find out" so much as I recalled it and then phoned my doctor to confirm it. My blood type is AB positive. What does that have to do with anything?? I hear you asking yourself the question, but stay with me ... try to follow.

I read an article that said in Japan, blood type is used to determine personality and temperament. Scientists often dismiss blood type as an indicator of personality, but in Japan, they publish blood type horoscopes. It made me giggle to read that my blood type personality is the least desirable of all of the blood types because AB+ is characterized as renegades ... loose cannons. But ... while I get a little chuckle out of it on the one hand; on the other hand I'm a little bit like, 'well, if I'm a loose cannon because of my blood type, and my blood type is the rarest with only 5% of all humans having that same blood type, how do you explain so many crazies in the world???' Answer me that???

And to top it off, that same article said that in Japanese video games, blood type is commonly a dimension in character creation. And guess what!? The bad guys always have blood type AB!!

Anyway, all of this reading, coupled with my most-times overactive imagination, leads me to thinking about how I play the villain in my own video game a lot of times.

Which leads me around to saying:

I hate it that I ignore things that I don't want to deal with. I have to work on being more mature in that area. Having a better sense of my self's worth depends on it.


Bisous!!!

The Blame Game

I U-sed to start my sentences off with YOU

Did this and YOU did that and YOU gon

get what YOU got comin' to YOU

But my spirit cried

now it can’t be denied that

it’s not you … it is I.

All the projections of inferior complexions

Mirrored back to myself like a stealth bomb

Shattered the glass that contained my self image

Which I foolishly asked another to hold.

Playin’ the blame game gets old.

But he – no he didn’t

But they – no. not. they.

Carefully detailing all of his faults in a dossier

Oblivious of spirit during the day

And it’s not until I’m asleep

That I get the communique

And here’s what it had to say ...

Have the courage to nourish your OWN womb

Follow the path of those whom have taken

Responsibility for their own destiny.

Back in the day when women, you see,

Were mere accessories, there were still

Those who raised a fist and would not

Be dismissed by any any anyone.

My power and my might lie all in my control

No one else holds the key to my soul

No one has my same goals and there IS

Room at the top for us all to grab hold

I wish I had, but I didn’t

Receive any seeds of encouragement

So I had to say goodbye

Through tear-choked voice

‘cause in the end all is a choice

And if I'd chosen to stay

Though I felt my spirit would surely die

On judgment day, what. would be. my alibi ??

It’s not you

No it’s not you

It’s not you ... It is I.

*** p.s. To all of my friends and followers: you will truly feel the power of your worth when you stop blaming someone else for your choices. The good news is ... we all have the ability within ourselves to make better/different choices each day that we are allowed to live on this earth !!

Bisous!

The Divine One

An open letter to whom it may concern ...





For what it's worth ...

You've. been. warned.